Repentance Is Joy

I was the bugler and square dance caller for our stake’s pioneer trek, a major event with some 300 youth and 100 adult leaders involved. As planned, the first morning on the trail I played the bugle call, Reveille, at 4:50 AM to wake the youth for the re-enactment of the pioneer’s handcart company’s journey. It must have left a strong impression because adult leaders soon warned me of youthful schemes they overheard for the trumpet’s abduction.

Trek: The Handcart Trail

I thought the bugle calls were quickly forgotten when, over a week after our trek had ended, I was approached by a trek brother as I was entering  the temple in the early morning hours. He told me, “You woke me this morning.” When I looked puzzled, he said, “No, you really did. As I slept, I heard your trumpet playing and I said, ‘I’ve got to get up and go to the temple’”.

We don’t know how deeply impressing our warning voice can be to bring souls to repentance. I love repentance… I love seeing people decide they will really change. I have shed many tears with individuals who are trying, and faltering, and trying again. I have shed many tears myself. But people do change.

At church I recently walked into a lesson where people were answering the question, “Is there a dream or something you really want to accomplish in life?” Into my heart came my fondest unvoiced desire, “I want to bring thousands of souls to repentance!”  …and it starts with me!

Stories of Repentance

I share the following with both permission and encouragement from men I have assisted as an addiction recovery missionary.

To Reactivation and Beyond

A dear young man came to our group. He was clearly crestfallen when he first attended our recovery meetings, saddened that addictions had taken over his life. He had gone inactive after going to college and began failing all his classes because of a video game addiction. He returned home and transferred to a singles ward where the addiction took a far worse turn. He ceased church activity for years, such that when his sister went on a mission she wrote to him saying, “Will you be my first investigator? I can tell you are working through something and I’d like to help”. He agreed but related, “I was the worst investigator ever. I would never follow through on any assignments”. After some months he stopped writing her out of shame. Then his heart broke when his sister related, “Every week I wait for a letter from my brother, and every week I cry.” He knew what he needed to do and it was extremely hard. He contacted a bishop and sought help and counsel. When he came to our meetings, it was with a desire to eventually serve a mission. Recovery didn’t happen overnight. It required him to give up lesser, but consuming addictions to both video games and social media. He found he had to be ‘all in’ to really overcome and receive the promised change of heart that God has promised to all who will truly trust in and follow Him. It was a beautiful meeting for all of us when he related, “The greatest day of my life was being worthy to see my sister sealed in the temple.” He has greater days to come. He became a facilitator for our group, but only for a brief time because his long-awaited mission call came.

I love this brother. He knows the redeeming power of our Savior and knows from the depths of his soul what true change feels like. He will teach the atonement of Jesus Christ with convincing power that comes through a true love for Him.

Promises Fulfilled

Another man, a dear brother we hadn’t seen at our recovery meetings for a long time contacted me by text and asked if my companion and I were still missionaries. I confirmed we were and asked him if he was alright. He indicated he was doing really well and mentioned he intended to come to our next meeting.

He came and addressed our group during the sharing portion of the meeting with a pleasant and warm countenance. He wanted the brothers to know he wasn’t trying to brag, but something very special had transpired. His ward was recently split and shortly thereafter he was called as the new elder’s quorum president. He recalled the time he had asked for a blessing from my companion and I. At that special time he said he was told he would become an elder’s quorum president.  He continued, “I wondered about that and tried not to think about it much, but then it actually happened.” He said that in a very gradual process he had changed. He said he no longer feels a pull toward the addiction and rarely thinks about it. He related, “Men, we must not dabble in wondering what we can keep. If you put your toe in the vortex, it will pull you in. You’ve got to decide to give your whole heart and believe you can do it. Your past actions are not an indicator of what you can do in the future. You will break the addiction if you truly desire it. So keep that desire and keep choosing to overcome. It will happen through the atonement of Jesus Christ.”

At the end of this meeting I embraced several of my dear brothers. Then this young man came, and I found myself looking deep in his eye and the Spirit overcame me as I called him by name and said, “You will be a great Elder’s Quorum President and the men you serve will come to know our Savior through you because they will feel his love through you.”

No More Ashamed

Both of these men were glad to share their stories. The young man now on his mission said, “Please tell my story. Use my name. It’s okay! I used to be so ashamed that if people asked where I was going on meeting night, I would say I have a church meeting, but now I tell them openly, ‘I have an addiction recovery meeting I attend’.

For this young man it no longer mattered. The addiction was no longer in the shadows. It was dissipated from being exposed repeatedly to light. These men, and so many more are now anxious to help others.

I love these brothers. I cannot love them more or less based on if they ‘messed up’. When they are down my heart cries for them, and when they succeed, I joy in their success, but my love for them doesn’t change.

The Universal Call of Repentance

People are never so one-dimensional” as to fit into a simple bin of bad or good. We all need repentance. Anything that keeps us from being like our Savior, whether it is from a habit of resisting the gentle nudging of the Spirit or a heart-rending failure to keep a major commandment, prevents us from being completely clean.

Tears often come to me when I think of my Savior. I have a deep love for Him. I remember the Spirit moving me when I crested the hill approaching the Bountiful Temple and viewed the Angel Moroni in his glory winding his trumpet. My heart cried out in prayer, “Father, give me a trumpet!”

Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance. Alma 26:22

I love repentance! Repentance is Joy!

A Hmong Thanksgiving New Year

We spent our Thanksgiving celebrating the Hmong New Year in the homes of the beautiful Hmong people of Sacramento. They have a story that needs to be told. I have never felt such love from people I was meeting for the first time. When we left, I exclaimed, “We have been walking among living miracles!”

The Hmong live in the mountains of Laos, Viet Nam, China and Thailand. Many came here as refugees after the US pulled out of Laos on the trailing edge of the Vietnam War. They had been US allies and freedom fighters in this war. We owe them a debt of gratitude.

During the 3-days we spent attending the festival I talked with many Hmong people. One was a perfect stranger, an older man who was pushing his disabled wife in a wheelchair. She had on a US Air Force baseball cap to shield her eyes from the sun. I asked him if he had served in the military and he related that 35,000 Hmong had died defending freedom in Laos. He told of how they would get radio calls. Once there was a downed American pilot. They scrambled to get to him first to save his life. Saving that one pilot cost 60 Hmong lives, but he added, “We respected the Americans and were willing to fight to save them. We just don’t want to be forgotten.”

This visit grew much more personal as we were invited into the homes of people my son served on his mission there.  I could tell that in reality they had really served him. One brother (I must call him my brother) hosted us at a dinner at his home with his very large extended family. He related that he was a baby in about 1979 when his family fled from Laos. The American forces had pulled out and they had to evade the communist forces or risk being killed. The rest of the group wouldn’t travel with families with babies because the likelihood of being discovered due to their cries was too great.  So their families were left behind. They gave the babies opium to keep them quiet. He related sadly that most of those babies died. He himself was unconscious for 3-days and had turned blue. Others in the group believed he was dead and told his mother to throw him away, but she refused. And now here he was, being good-naturedly teased by an older sister who was telling him that he was stunted because in his first year, the only nourishment he got was from the tree bark they ate to survive.

My friend rescued by a mother’s love and his lovely wife

This same older sister was a tiny girl at the time and told of how her parents said very little of their struggles. She never realized how poor they were and never understood how desperate things had been until there was a discussion about the Hmong evacuation in college and she began to cry as she realized what her parents had done. After all these years she questioned them and they finally confirmed her own part in living through those very difficult years.

The family continues to have trials as we all will. His dear younger sister was suffering from stage 2-3 cancer but chose a path of faith and embraced the gospel. She is currently in remission, has been asked to serve in the temple and is engaged to marry soon. Our prayers are with her.

Overcoming trials with a smile: my recovering new sister and her handsome fiance

At another home I met another dear new brother who was an impressive patriarch. He came to Utah as a refugee and was sponsored by an LDS family. His son grew extremely sick and he grew fearful that this son would die. He asked their sponsor family what to do and the member offered to send some elders over to administer to him. After they did so his son began a miraculous recovery in a matter of hours. This brother told the members that he needed to join their church and began the process of taking the lessons and attending church with them. He is a great patriarch. His 12 children with their large families carry a marvelous light. I will never forget singing “Because I Have Been Given Much” in the Hmong language with them as he dedicated this evening with his family and the bountiful meal to the Lord. I left that home with a deep feeling of reverence.

Living miracles: A patriarch with his long-since recovered son. A family full of the Lord’s blessing.

Another dear couple opened their home for us to sleep in for several nights. They already had several other guests (my son’s mission companions and their families) at the same time, but he insisted it would be alright and it was. It was a special time. We filled his home, and his son, also just returned from a mission, slept on a couch, but we were a big family to them. They were sensitive to our every need and selflessly provided us with care and an abundance of Hmong food.

A darling couple and our gracious hosts: “Families can be Together Forever”

The grandmother in this home seemed to adopt my sons. For the festival this family dressed us all in the exquisite Hmong festival clothing, and this charming careworn grandmother ensured everything was worn just right. At the festival she took my sons by the hand and led them to the ball toss, which for hundreds of years has been a form of dating for single young men and women to meet and talk. Many marriages have come about from this tradition which used to carry a far more serious commitment to even join in.

Hmong Festival Dating: The Ball Toss

At our host’s home this grandmother presented us with some of her needlework that was breathtakingly detailed and so beautiful. As she did so, in her beautiful Hmong accent she exclaimed, “I give you. Very hard. My back hurt, my eye hurt, my fingers hurt, but I want you to have.” I felt tears form in my eyes. The things this family did for us truly taught me love and the meaning of the word ‘speechless’. I was touched to my very core.

Grandma’s Needlework inviting Christmas Cheer
Dear Inclusive Grandmother

There are others in Sacramento I love as my own. Their stories are in the making and equally as sacred. I cherished my time with them also. I believe they know my care for them and my prayers for them.

As I serve in the temple I have increasingly come to love every person as a beloved son or daughter of God. As I met these good people in Sacramento I couldn’t help thinking about others I have met as I serve in the temple of God. A Karen-speaking branch of member refugees from Burma come there, struggling with the English language but full of similar light and gratitude. I have also assisted Swahili-speaking brothers that were so grateful for what they received they embraced the ordinance workers as they received the saving ordinances of the gospel. How special it is that our Father in Heaven teaches us His love through these children. How grateful I feel to see their beautiful love and light.

Every day we walk among living miracles!

An inclusive mix of beautiful people
… And the guys taking the beautiful people’s pictures
Hmong for a day! Richly dressed for the New Year Festival. Many thanks to our Hmong friends!

Becoming Complete

What completes us? I pondered this as I drove to the temple this morning. I thought of our church ward’s ambitious goal to complete temple ordinances for nearly 500 people in October. I felt I had completed proxy ordinances for several people this month, but as I drove I considered the word “complete” and it took on a much deeper meaning.

Months ago I was doing a proxy ordinance for a man named Elijah whose name had been submitted by a dear sister in our ward. As I went to put his name back in the file, it was complete. All the work that could be done had been done. We didn’t know his parents so he couldn’t be sealed to them. As I was about to put his name in the ‘completed’ bin, I found I could not. I found myself praying and then saying to Elijah, “I promise you we will find your parents”. I felt his pleading presence there. That Sunday I told this sister what had happened and by that evening received a text forwarded from my wife saying, “I found the parents for Elijah… I can’t thank you enough for all you have done to help. Let your husband know how much I appreciate him for letting me know of his experience with Elijah and the promise he made to him about finding his parents. It was so easy to find them. I am always amazed how fast the information is available.”

Our families complete us.  We are not complete without those we love.

All covenants, …oaths, vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made and entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed… are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead. D&C 132:7

A ward church leader asked us to report all the temple work completed in October. When I did, he explained that ‘completed’ meant all the work was done for an individual, including sealings of families for time and eternity. This morning I pondered how impossible that really is with our mortal constraints. We will do our very best, but this work can never be complete without the direction and inspiration of Heaven. We simply don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle.

Our loved ones won’t be complete until they are joined their missing children, wives and grandparents. They won’t be complete until their loved ones who desire to come to the Savior, do come to the Savior. Our first parents, Adam and Eve will not be complete until all their children who can yet be sealed to them for time and eternity, are sealed, so that every tear can be dried and every soul receive a fullness of joy according to that which they are willing to receive. It won’t be complete until our Savior stands on mount Zion and says, “It is finished”, and there is time no longer.

In that day, I will be complete.

For now… I will find joy in the journey. This morning as I prepared to leave the temple, I offered a prayer and felt an outpouring of love from those who were just sealed with their loved ones. It filled my heart and gave me peace. What is not complete now will certainly be complete in the perfect day if we keep choosing the higher path.

A Mountain To Climb

I love mountains. I spent my summers growing up on my grandfather’s sheep ranch situated at a ~9200’ elevation. It was full of beautiful pine and aspen trees and wild flowers. I loved being there, though sometimes I thought I would never get warm and the ranch work was often lonely.

Henry B. Eyring counseled us to ask the Lord for mountains to climb. As I’ve done this I’ve felt his words fulfilled that, “great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost”. In this post I hope to show that while the ‘Higher Path’ is harder to commence, it is worth the journey, and in doing so we’ll be sustained beyond our own abilities and become more than we otherwise could.

Almost There…

One winter while in high school, my friend and I decided to climb the Wellsville Mountain Range just east of my home on New Year’s Eve. These mountains are quite steep, rising out of the valley floor about 5000’ at about a 45 degree angle. We started strong and full of optimism, but as we neared the top, we were struggling from walking on the snow. My friend finally lay down and said he would go no further. I encouraged him upward but he closed his eyes and wouldn’t budge.

I was worried. As I watched, he burrowed down a bit and went to sleep. I so wanted to see the summit, but stories of people who fell asleep in the snow and froze to death weighed on my mind. We were so close. I decided to go on… just a little further.  It only required about 20 more minutes to crest the ridge-line, but then to my great disappointment I viewed a long upward slope going to the higher peak we had hoped to reach. My anticipated vista was also obscured by a wind that so misted the scene with powdered snow that I could hardly see anything beyond a several hundred feet. To reach the peak I would have to leave my friend much longer than I was comfortable and so I returned to my sleeping friend and we walked back down together.

He and I had a great story to tell at the New Year’s Eve dance that night, but I always had a hollow feeling to have not reached the summit.


Just a Little Further…

I got a chance to redeem that hike this summer with my son who just returned from a mission serving the Hmong people in Sacramento. I wanted to take him hiking in Wyoming as I had done with my other sons but there wasn’t time, so I asked him to hike with me instead to the highest peak near my home, Thurston Peak at the edge of Davis and Morgan Counties.

I prepared for an estimated 7-hour hike, but because it was nearly a mile in altitude gain from our car and because we lost the trail several times, we really struggled and it ended up taking us 11-hours.

We started at the Adam’s Canyon trailhead which was packed with cars, mostly of people seeking the cool, shaded trail to the waterfall in the canyon, a pleasant and beautiful walk. People don’t typically get beyond the waterfall because it forms a kind of a box-canyon, with a steep rock face and with no safe ascent without climbing gear.

Initial Step: Get Above the Canyon

To reach the summit we had to depart from the well-traveled trail almost immediately upon reaching the ancient shoreline. This higher path ascended a very steep hill, and was far more exposed to the sun. Lesson one for this hike was that we basically always had to choose the higher path at the earliest possible opportunity to succeed.

An early tender mercy came when we stopped an experienced hiker who advised us, “If you are going to the summit, watch for a small spring. When you cross it, be looking for a trail to branch off to your left. The trail is overgrown and hard to follow, but someone marked it with a pile of rocks. If you continue on the default path, you will go through that saddle and end up at the Adam’s Canyon Cabin. The cabin is in a basin and you won’t make the summit from there.”

It was hot and the bottles of water we brought were going faster than I had hoped, and then there were the snakes. Malachi spotted the empty skin of a rattlesnake on a high ridge and one snake between some rocks. They appeared to be staying out of the hot sun just under the edge of rocks we wanted to walk over to stay on the ridge line. On the way up and back I spotted two more snakes where we wanted to walk, and yes, they were quite aware of us, raising their heads defensively.

For that reason alone we began to really dread losing the trail. We crossed the tiny spring and searched for the trail upward, but just before entering the saddle (pass) that we had been warned about, we decided we would have to make our own trail by forging on through scrub oak that was too thick for us to see the ground beneath. This meant pulling ourselves up with our arms and it took a lot out of us.

The additional time and exertion meant we became woefully short on water. We had 3-bottles apiece but by the time we reached the beautiful summit we had drank basically all of it.View of the Francis Peak Radar Domes from Thurston Peak

This is where I felt the Lord provided for us. It was almost the last day of July, but He had left us a still un-melted bank of snow on the North-Eastern exposure of the peak. After enjoying a beautiful crystal clear view of both Morgan and Davis county, we refilled out bottles using the snow and had lunch.

On the way down my son grew weary and began having sun-stroke symptoms. As our water ran out again we reached the tiny spring. Once again I felt the Lord was helping us. The trickle of water was so small that it took over a minute for me to fill a bottle for my son.  He was dubious as to whether it was clean enough to drink, but later as his condition worsened, he gladly finished it even as he exclaimed, “I didn’t think I would drink it!”

Final Descent

That lasted us to the last hour of the hike. I didn’t have water for the last two hours, but it was affecting me less than my son. We walked with our arms on each other’s shoulders at the end of the hike. It felt good to support each other as when one of us lost footing on the steep descent, the other would stabilize him.

The Lord strengthened me beyond my endurance. I ended up lightly supporting my son at the end and down the final switchbacks. He was getting a bit dizzy. He handed me the car keys in the parking lot and encouraged me to drive home.  I offered a prayer of gratitude on the way home. We had been protected in multiple ways and had been enabled to reach one of my life’s goals.

“Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision: for the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision.“ (Joel 3:14)

Don’t give up! We get out of the valley of decision by determining to make right choices no matter the consequence and staying that course!

The Great Equalizer

It seems that with the Spirit’s role to give comfort, warn and inspire, we often forget His role as sanctifier. Before Christ departed from the Nephites, he said, “Repent that ye may be sanctified by the reception of the Holy Ghost”. Paul also speaks of, “salvation through sanctification of the Spirit”. Don’t underplay the Holy Spirit’s role as sanctifier.

Whether a nursery leader or a prophet, as you live to have the Spirit, you will be exactly where you need to be, doing exactly what you need to be doing. Perhaps the reason why the simple truth that no call is above another in the service of God, is because all such service sincerely offered will enable one to be led on the path that will eventually bring the same sweet sanctification that all of us seek.

Christ will sit as a purifier of silver in his great day and the baptism by fire and the Holy Ghost he promised will take full effect. We will become clean and cease to live in regret for the times we have resisted the Spirit. There is no other way to receive a fullness of joy.

For our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, our Celestial glory is their glory, their work to bring to pass the “immortality and eternal life of man“.  In the Celestial economy, our glory does not rob their glory. And so, no matter how small it seems our contribution is, the Spirit will be the great equalizer, enabling us in power, dominion and glory, for the Father has promised us all that he hath.

Step 11: Personal Revelation

One Sunday morning I was conversing with my wife when I stopped midway through a sentence and I said, “I need to go talk to a friend.” I didn’t know why. As I approached the home I saw my friend sitting on a chair on the side of the road with his head down in utter dejection.

I had first met him just a few months before, and only knew who he was because I had a strong impression to walk home from church on a prior Sunday. I had met him at nearly the same spot. Because I wear my service missionary name-tag on my suit he soon understood my calling was to help with addiction recovery. At that time he had opened up to me that he was trying to overcome a substance abuse problem and I had gladly offered encouragement and resources that could help him and give him hope. Now I was without words. I sat next to him in silence because I could see he was heartbroken. Seeing me in my Sunday best, he said, “I don’t want to keep you. You are busy.” I responded, “I left home early to talk to you, so I am busy doing what I intended.” It turned out that he had been dishonest and taken things from the family that had taken him in, in order to feed his addiction. On several occasions he had broken his word and the family finally had to tell him he could no longer stay. He had nowhere to go.  I sat with him and told him I cared, with my own heart breaking. He wondered out loud what would happen. I told him I didn’t know but would do my best to help. I got his number and before the end of the day had connected him with a bishop and elder’s quorum president, along with a potential referral to the Deseret Industries where we could get him a job coach. This helped start forming a bridge for a dear, struggling son of God.

These stories are difficult to share in an open forum because personal revelation is… personal…

I believe the key to receiving revelation is obedience. It is our real intent to do whatever the will of the Lord is when he makes it known. When we are obedient to what we receive, we are given more. God could prove himself to us at any time, even in our rebellion, but he is not a man that needs to prove himself. He could open the Heavens and show us marvelous things but rather He waits for us to seek Him, and then the personal revelation comes, most often very quietly. If we bend our will to His, and don’t let doubts dry the dews of inspiration that the Lord puts in our hearts and minds, we will come to recognize and know His Spirit.

I remember consulting with a former bishop about an event that I had failed to attend that troubled me. He began telling me it was alright, when I interjected, “You don’t understand. I was supposed to be there.” A sudden understanding flooded his features and in a rather subdued tone he said, “I know what you mean.”  I sensed a pain in his soul that matched my own.  This man of profound spiritual experience had the same poignant feeling because there is always a blessing in the balance when the Holy Ghost is whispering for us to act.

Personal Revelation and Personal Purity

Personal revelation is a necessary condition for redemption of each of God’s children and is no less important for addiction recovery. When the Lord said to pray, “Lead us not into temptation”, he really did mean that he would lead us if we would listen.

Step 11: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.

God’s miracles rarely happen the same way twice, and so too the escape path from falling in sin often differs. When I hear men say, “I don’t understand it. I have been doing everything I’m supposed to: scriptures and prayer every morning, but the temptations are even worse.”  Scriptures are critical to our life’s foundation, but what is powerfully reinforcing, at one time may feel contrived or simply be too passive at other times. You can’t distract an addiction on a false pretense. At times like this the Spirit may tell us that the escape path is to go jogging. It may encourage one to temporarily give a personal electronic device to a loved one for safekeeping. It may whisper to give service to a neighbor. This is why the Spirit’s whispers are so crucial.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 Cor 10:13

The Spirit will always lead us out of temptations grip if we are willing to listen and follow, but we need to really desire deliverance and we need to seek it humbly in prayer with our whole heart. Welcome to Step 11 in our personal recovery: personal revelation.

Most of the time I find the personal revelation that comes to me is to serve others, but that is Step 12… the final step of the recovery program.

Eagle Court of Honor Song

This is a song that I wrote as my sons were getting their eagle scout advancement.  The eagle badge is a metaphor for our lives. I felt it needed something special.

I have a small ensemble version of it as well. It is enhanced with a simple drumbeat, reminiscent of Indian drums…

TheFledglingEagle (music in pdf format)

Lyrics for The Fledgling Eagle

The fledgling eagle has his start,

Safe, protected in a nest,

Care and nurture give him strength,

High above the ancient forest

Fly high and strong above the mountains

Your journey calls across the land

Fly high and free, in honor be,

On wings borne up, by unseen hand

The eagle grows and tries his wing,

Sees the landscape far below

Cautiously he ventures forth

Tests the air, and then lets go.

He forges onward and he meets,

Dangers and the storms of night

He bears his setbacks patiently,

In his heart’s a noble light.

The eagle flies above the earth,

His powerful wings unfurled

In pale moonlight on silvered wing

He lets his cry be heard

His gaze is sharp his vision clear

Unmarred by earthly care,

He sets his sights on Heaven’s heights,

And fills his mission there!

The ancient eagle in the sun,

Wisdom gained through service wrought,

Feathers grayed and eyes grown dim,

He rests at last, his fight is fought.

Fly high and free above the sunset,

Your journey now a peaceful land,

Fly high and free, in honor be,

On wings borne up, by unseen hands

Step 10: Don’t Fall off the Bridge!

My young niece held my hand as we began to cross a suspension bridge consisting of a large pipe crossing a shallow canyon creek. She had easily walked on top of the gently sloped pipe where the pipe was just above the ground but as she got above the creek she started to slow and grow unsteady. I quickly said, “Don’t look down. Look ahead to where you’re going!” She raised her eyes to the opposite bank and immediately started to improve. She moved forward with confidence and safely crossed.

Step 10 is daily, or even moment-to-moment to look at our thoughts, feelings and motives and immediately change course when we see the patterns that would take us into old patterns of destructive behavior. But it is just as much about looking ahead, examining our thoughts, feelings and motives for anything that is taking our eyes off our goal and when something is amiss, we immediately repent, and turn our face to our Savior.

With addiction recovery, it is easy to become so concerned about the addiction that one becomes continually fixated on the river below rather than the path forward and the ultimate joy of recovery.  If you focus on the river… you will likely fall in the river or turn back in despair!

It is impossible to give someone the enabling power to consistently look forward and make right choices. It takes practice, just as it if one were learning art or music or a sport. Practice makes permanent! Practice right!

I am an engineer.  Whenever I pride myself on understanding a difficult concept, the Lord humbles me by bringing me to someone who is a true expert. As part of an integrated chip design team, a co-worker who had spent much of his career designing and perfecting phase locked loop circuits told me excitedly that he could teach me how these circuits worked in a way that I would never forget. I had never gone beyond the basics of these wonderful circuits that can solve critical timing issues and create output clocks with a much higher frequency than a given input clock.

He launched into the discussion with marked enthusiasm, disclosing a wealth of knowledge. Though not a member of my faith, he related there is something deeply spiritual about how when the circuit has proper gain and tuning the phase locks reliably and output jitter is suppressed. After 15-minutes or so of his analogies and technical observations, I asked him to pause as I was already missing several key points. He was visibly disappointed, saying, “But in just a few minutes, you’ll have it!”

“But I won’t,” I responded, “You have spent much of your life pondering and mastering what you are teaching. I’m very grateful. This is fascinating but I haven’t paid the price. Without doing so there are too many things I simply don’t understand.” Here he was trying to give me the treasure of his heart, and I wasn’t ready to receive it.

After over 50 years as a general authority, Boyd K. Packer said:

“Much of what I have come to know falls into the category of things which cannot be taught but can be learned.”

He continues, “Like most things of great worth, knowledge which is of eternal value comes only through personal prayer and pondering. These, joined with fasting and scripture study, will invite impressions and revelations and the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.”

Come and learn what can’t be taught!

Step 10: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it.

Step 9: Repairing what’s Broken

My company’s president was under duress. It was our company Christmas dinner party and I knew he was struggling after losing key employees in Japan where he and our main office was located. The American employees didn’t know what was happening, but I did because I had been invited to join the new company that the key employees had formed. I really did want to join them. The new company president was my dear friend, but I was feeling guilty that it would let my old company president down.

At the dinner I expressed appreciation for the meal and asked if he was alright. He replied, “そう言ってくれるのはハーパーだけです”.  The words still haunt me: “The only one who would say that to me is you.” My guilt suddenly redoubled. I was just days away from having to confirm the decision to change companies.

In my last post on Step 8, I wrote about becoming willing to forgive another who caused me pain. In this step, I desire to talk about seeking forgiveness from one who I hurt. I still feel this keenly.

Step 9: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.

I did finally announce I would be changing jobs. At the time I was designing a key enhancement for our product line. I was surprised when my old company president flew back to our office to try and convince me to stay, but I had given what I thought was more than proper notice, with added time to train a successor to take over development. The Spirit told me I must finish that project work first, but I couldn’t get things done in the given time frame and transitioned to the new company anyway.

I had let my former president down and the trust he had put in me was broken. Part of me was broken at the same time. After some months I sent a letter of apology to him. I never heard back.

My most poignant and heart-torn feelings come when I think there may be someone I am not reconciled to in the eternities. Oh what I would give to look my dear old president in the eye and thank him and repair that breach. This is the feeling I desire for every person I have known.

There is one that I reached out to that did reach back to me:

D&C 45:4-5 “…Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified;

 5 Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.

Christ wants us back. Here is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He was rejected of men and yet waits with open arms to receive any who come unto him. Let us be faithful. As we really try, I know that somehow he will make everything right.

Step 8: Robotics and Relationships

I have long paused on writing about this step, possibly because I still don’t feel its complete. Of all spiritual gifts we will take with us out of this world, the relationships, including those with deity, are perhaps the most precious. Relationships are victimized by addiction, which turns one selfishly inward. It should be no wonder that recovering from addiction requires the step of turning outward to repair every offense and rebuild every sound relationship possible.

Step 8: make a written list of all people you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

In so doing, there is a beautiful reminder in the ARP manual that when we seek forgiveness from others, we also need to seek to forgive. I will focus this writing on a very troubling time in my life where I needed to learn to forgive.

The first 6-years of my career were spent developing robotics equipment. My first job was in Osaka, Japan but I eventually ended up designing and supporting a line of robotic equipment in California. It was good, hard work, but a vicious split occurred in the company. The vice president in Japan started his own robotics company invited me to join him. We had developed a true friendship and I decided I wanted to keep working with him. I was excited to help bring our ideas to fruition. He became our new company president.

I wrote and tested software for the system in America, while our design team in Japan developed the hardware. Then times got really rough. Allegations of stolen design materials from the original company surfaced and our investors began playing financial hardball to buy the new company at a high discount. At that point a promoter joined our company, promising to save our operations by getting us new funding. Instead, I believe he found a means to blackmail our new company president. He began drawing an exorbitant salary while insisting our salaries be lowered.

His new finance plans were to have me create fake claims of large robotics orders that were contingent on us finishing our development. He would say, “I have a bank account containing millions of dollars. I just need the key.” He obviously felt I was an important part of that key. He tried to pressure me into many illegal actions. Sometimes international calls would come in the middle of the night when I couldn’t think straight. He would insist I do what he said, adding, “Everyone knows subordinates just have to do what they are told. You will never face legal problems for this. I am the one responsible!” I began to tense with dread every time I heard a phone ring.

I guess in the end I wasn’t the key he had hoped for. Money ran low. My dear friend, the new president in Japan, suddenly disappeared with his little family. I don’t know where he went, but I believe he fled his country. Then I got a call from a respected co-worker in Japan who told me they could no longer continue paying me. My heart flooded with relief. It was finally over.

For years I struggled with hard feelings over this. It was truly traumatic for me, but I found a place of healing in the Celestial Room of the Bountiful Temple. This room filled with light and inspiration. I have seen and felt miracles occur in many rooms in multiple temples, but this room is particularly special to me. One does not go to the temple expecting miracles. One simply knows that they will occur.

Window to the Celestial Room – Bountiful Temple (C) David C. Moore 2009

Here I pondered this step and I asked myself, “Is there anyone who, if they came through the doors into this glorious room, that I wouldn’t be overjoyed to see?” This promoter came to mind and I considered the repentance process it takes to get there, to stand in this holy place that is an extension of Heaven itself. As I envisioned him completely cleansed from sin, I was able to say with my whole heart, “Oh, I would have great joy to see him here!”

I intend to live my life so that I can greet anyone in the eternities and find joy being with them. I will address the other side of this in Step 9. The question being, “Is there anyone I have offended that would feel uncomfortable being there because of me?”

If you are having a hard time forgiving others, remember that we don’t know who will have a change of heart. We need to forgive all men. Yes, you need to follow the Spirit to protect yourself and your family. Some relationships won’t be healed here. But remember, there is a brighter day:

“And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy.” D&C 130:2